The way you drive says a lot about your personality, asshole.

Allow me to break it down.

Turn Signal Usage - When we consider the time and energy it takes to operate a turn signal (one second, one fingertip), it seems asinine not to use one. Why wouldn't you want to alert the drivers around you that you're about to careen across three lanes of traffic, or that you're going to come to a complete stop in the middle of the road to make a turn? Signaling allows other vehicles to get ready to react to whatever stupid crazy shit you're about to pull. I break turn signal usage down into three categories: 1) Always signals - Thank you, goody two-shoes, for making the roads a tiny bit safer. I say 'tiny bit' because there are maybe ten people in the city of Tampa (pop. 335,709 in 2010) that fall into this category. 2) Signals inconsistently or late - If you're already making the turn/changing lanes/braking when you signal, it doesn't count, dipshit. The turn signal is supposed to be a PRE-cursor to your action. 3) Never signals - You are lazy, inconsiderate, and probably socially retarded to a certain extent.

Traffic Signal/Sign Behavior - Just to be clear, stop signs are for EVERYONE. This a major issue in my neighborhood of Ybor Heights, which sucks because I ride my bike pretty often. The general consensus seems to be that vehicles with rims over 20" don't have to obey stop signs. I would like to dispel that rumor and reiterate that traffic lights and signs are for EVERYONE, regardless the size of your rims. Personality traits of signal and sign ignorers include selfishness, egomania, obliviousness, and buttheadedness.

Texting/Talking While Driving - PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. That is all I have to say about that.

Interstate Driving Behavior - The interstate is one type of road that tends to bring out the worst in people. Say it with me: "Left lane, fast lane. Right lane, slow lane." With that being said, if you're barreling down the road twenty miles over the speed limit, don't get pissy when you eventually have to slow down, even in the left lane. On the same note, it's best just to go with the flow of traffic. Trying to go 80 when everyone else is going 70 is dumb, and makes you a self-important jerkface. Wherever you're going can't be that important, and if it is, maybe you should have left earlier.

Pedestrians/Cyclists - This one's a two-parter. First, for the pedestrians and cyclists: Ride/walk WITH the traffic, not against it. The objective is for vehicles to be able to see you, silly. Obey traffic signals and use crosswalks. Put lights on your bike, no one can see your wimpy reflector in the dark. And for Pete's sake, don't wear all black at night. Ride/walk defensively. Don't expect cars to see you or yield to you, because a lot of them won't. Second, for the vehicles - Yield, ya jerks! Are you really so inconsiderate that you actually want to hit a person with your car? If you see a bike lane on the side of the road, don't drive your car in it! (This is often caused by inattention, please see my point about texting/talking while driving above.) If there isn't a bike lane, bikes may still ride on the right side of the road, with vehicle traffic. Don't yell at them to "get on the sidewalk, you idiot."

The bottom line here is that if everyone just chilled out a little, paid attention, and was considerate of others, I wouldn't have to flip so many people off in traffic.

I Promise, the Next Time We Talk, I'll Have It All Figured Out.

I'm still not sure what I want to be when, and assuming, I grow up. I've been a lot of things so far: receptionist, file clerk, retail worker, call center monkey, insurance agent, maid, doorperson, waitress, manager, bartender, cook. I wouldn't call any of these jobs a career, and as I approach my mid-30s, I'm pretty sure I missed the boat on picking a lifelong occupation. This realization has put me in something of an existential crisis. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN, MAN?!

I notice that I, and probably everyone else, tend to identify people by what their occupation is. "This is so-and-so, she's a bartender." "This is what's-his-nuts, he's a lawyer." A little self-reflection made me wonder how people identify me, and more importantly, how I identify myself. I feel under-accomplished for my age. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship that consumed me, during which time I affected little self-development aside from half-hearted attempts at getting a college degree (only two semesters to go, still, plus all that debt). Now, having been single for three years, I feel like I'm finally coming out of my relationship-mourning-party-animal phase and into my figuring-out-my-identity-for-the-first-time-ever phase. I'm writing again and working on art projects (albeit slowly), activities I haven't given much attention to since high school. For the first time, I work at a place where my true personality is considered an asset. I ride my bike more than I drive my car. All of these things are moving me in a positive direction.

However, I can't seem to stop comparing myself to the traditional picture of success: a high-paying, lifelong career, health insurance, savings and investments, a family, some property, etc. I possess none of these, and sometimes it makes me panic. I worry about my health and my future, and about being old alone. I worry about my mom worrying about me. I worry that I've missed the boat on achieving anything significant with my life. I wonder if I'll ever really get my shit together.

Here's the kicker: even people who have all the elements of 'traditional' success worry about the same things. Their world could fall apart just as easily as mine could. Life is a series of crazy shit happening to people, and whether we sink or swim depends on how we deal with all of it. I'd like to think that, with all the crazy shit I've experienced in my lifetime, I remain mostly stable and mostly happy, if a little jaded and sarcastic. I keep one quote from my mom in mind, "Remember that no matter how bad you think you have it, someone out there always has it worse than you." I credit that statement for keeping both my ego and my attitude in check, even though I hated hearing it sometimes.

I guess the moral of the story is that whenever I get down on myself for not having all the traditional elements of success, it helps to remember that everyone else's life sucks too, generally speaking. For now, I'll just identify myself as a bartender/pizza maker/artist/writer/music afficionado, and keep on living. L-I-V-I-N.

My Unsolicited Opinion on...

This year's Fest lineup!

Ahh, the smell of Fest is in the air. Oh wait, that's just the aroma of spilled PBR on a puddle of sweat and excitement on my front porch. This is the time of year when Gainesville hotels open up their schedule for October, and when the official (albeit subject to change) lineup is released. This is when the buzz starts, and when I start making my lists.

Bands I've never seen live that I'm really stoked about:

• Naked Raygun!!
• Braid
• Make Do and Mend- I got End Measured Mile a couple months ago, and it's a seriously solid record.
• Luther- I haven't listened to them in-depth, but whoever runs their Twitter account is funny as shit!
• Reverse the Curse- I missed them last year, and heard all about how rad they are.
• Bridge and Tunnel- Same as above.
• Banner Pilot - I tried to see them twice last year, and missed them both times.

Bands I was introduced to last year that I want to see again:

• Big Eyes - I saw them in Orlando a few months ago, but the sound in that place was awful.
• Nato Coles & the Blue Diamond Band - Coles is a bunch of fun to watch on stage, a true rock personality comes out in him.
• RVIVR - Holy shit dude! I saw them by accident and they blew me away!
• The Wild - I can only imagine what these kids could pull off with an ample recording budget. There are so many layers to their sound, and I really dig their overall message: PMA.
• Algernon Cadwallader - I only saw them at Pre-Fest last year, so I definitely need to catch their full set this year. 
• Pretty Boy Thorson & the Fallen Angels- I don't know how they escaped my radar for so long, but I'll never miss them again.
• Unfun- Oh wait, they're not playing this year. SUPER SAD FACE.

Bands I've seen a few times before that I want to see again anyways:

• Coffee Project - I hope they play Empty Bottles of Foxhorn. And Oh Sweet Pickle.
• Cheap Girls - I finally sat down and listened to Giant Orange...three times in a row. So rad! I really love their sound, and they've been in my regular rotation since the first record. I can't say enough about them.
• Grabass Charlestons - Duh.
•  Mikey Erg - My musical crush. I wonder how many bands he's playing in this year.
• Off With Their Heads - I'll always see these guys if they're playing near me. Fun to watch, solid anthem-y punk, great sense of humor.

Finally, my homeys that are playing this year:

• Go Rydell - These guys crash my place whenever they're in Tampa, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Good dudes, good music, good times.
• How Dare You - I'm so glad they're playing again! However, if I could make one humble request to the Fest Powers-That-Be, it would be to place them at Durty Nelly's. Their sound is so rich, it was way more than the Laboratory's PA could handle last year.
• New Bruises - Always a party! They also make the best shirts.
• Too Many Daves - So. Many. Daves.

All in all, I'm really excited about this year's lineup. There are a lot of names I don't recognize, so I've got some research to do before October. Man, I really hope @JADEDPUNKHULK shows up. I don't know who he is, but his tweets make me laugh my ass off every single day. I'm also looking forward to eating nothing but Flaco's for the whole weekend. Now I'm off to wait (im)paitently for the next six months.

P.S.: If you want to read my thoughts on last year's Fest, go here: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150273227847706