I Promise, the Next Time We Talk, I'll Have It All Figured Out.

I'm still not sure what I want to be when, and assuming, I grow up. I've been a lot of things so far: receptionist, file clerk, retail worker, call center monkey, insurance agent, maid, doorperson, waitress, manager, bartender, cook. I wouldn't call any of these jobs a career, and as I approach my mid-30s, I'm pretty sure I missed the boat on picking a lifelong occupation. This realization has put me in something of an existential crisis. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN, MAN?!

I notice that I, and probably everyone else, tend to identify people by what their occupation is. "This is so-and-so, she's a bartender." "This is what's-his-nuts, he's a lawyer." A little self-reflection made me wonder how people identify me, and more importantly, how I identify myself. I feel under-accomplished for my age. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship that consumed me, during which time I affected little self-development aside from half-hearted attempts at getting a college degree (only two semesters to go, still, plus all that debt). Now, having been single for three years, I feel like I'm finally coming out of my relationship-mourning-party-animal phase and into my figuring-out-my-identity-for-the-first-time-ever phase. I'm writing again and working on art projects (albeit slowly), activities I haven't given much attention to since high school. For the first time, I work at a place where my true personality is considered an asset. I ride my bike more than I drive my car. All of these things are moving me in a positive direction.

However, I can't seem to stop comparing myself to the traditional picture of success: a high-paying, lifelong career, health insurance, savings and investments, a family, some property, etc. I possess none of these, and sometimes it makes me panic. I worry about my health and my future, and about being old alone. I worry about my mom worrying about me. I worry that I've missed the boat on achieving anything significant with my life. I wonder if I'll ever really get my shit together.

Here's the kicker: even people who have all the elements of 'traditional' success worry about the same things. Their world could fall apart just as easily as mine could. Life is a series of crazy shit happening to people, and whether we sink or swim depends on how we deal with all of it. I'd like to think that, with all the crazy shit I've experienced in my lifetime, I remain mostly stable and mostly happy, if a little jaded and sarcastic. I keep one quote from my mom in mind, "Remember that no matter how bad you think you have it, someone out there always has it worse than you." I credit that statement for keeping both my ego and my attitude in check, even though I hated hearing it sometimes.

I guess the moral of the story is that whenever I get down on myself for not having all the traditional elements of success, it helps to remember that everyone else's life sucks too, generally speaking. For now, I'll just identify myself as a bartender/pizza maker/artist/writer/music afficionado, and keep on living. L-I-V-I-N.